Is it okay?

Is it okay to feel sad all the time- even if you have someone who loves you? even if you have every reason to feel happy? I have been haunted by this great feeling of sadness the past few months. My brain won’t shut off the crazy thoughts. I overthink everything, I doubt myself, I doubt when I feel happy. I wonder why people like me, why they don’t like me. I worry over nothing.

Everyone thinks I’m happy. I tell them I am. I tell myself I’m happy.

Yet, deep down I know I’m not happy.

I’m lonely. I’m sad. I want to cry all the time. I don’t know why.

I have a great husband. He loves me so much. He does everything to make me happy. He comforts me and spends time with me, and buys me ice cream whenever I want (major plus). Yet, I still feel sad. This sadness has nothing to do with him, it’s just that I don’t feel happy with myself. Am I good enough for him to be with? Am I pretty enough? Do I take care of him well enough? Why is he with me?

When I go out, I wonder- is everyone wondering why this girl is always sitting by herself? Always on her phone? Never smiling? I want friends here in Dubai, but it feels impossible to make friends and start over. I’ve gotten more social anxiety. It takes everything I have in me to get up and get ready for the day. Sometimes I don’t even bother getting out of bed until mid day.

Living overseas and away from my home, I obviously get homesick for New York. I love Dubai, and all that the city has to offer me. But I always miss my friends and the good times we had, always up to no good and our shenanigans. I see them when I go home once a year (obviously impossible to travel back and forth constantly from Dubai to New York.) I wonder if they feel happy that I’m not there? Do they even miss me? Do they think about me? We can’t communicate constantly because of the time difference, and I always end up withdrawing from conversations, because I feel like since I’m not there, I’m not wanted in the conversation. I have nothing to say anymore. I don’t share much, because I feel like I’m bothering everyone. Why do I feel like this?

I get sick from these thoughts. I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I don’t want that feeling. I want to feel happy. I want the bad thoughts to go away.

Am I the only one who feels like this?

I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what to do, I don’t know.

Is that okay?

love always, lala.

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